Still doing my fem thing in town daily....nice hair, makeup (no eyeshadow but using the colored lip balm), unisex shoes n shirts, snug gal jeans, gal jacket n lovely topcoat and carrying the lil red prada purse. 

There is a mid-eastern Dr. that is a semi-regular at the lil diner I go to.  I knew the first time he saw me dressing fem that there was an attraction.  This was quite a while ago.  Last time I saw him there I talked to him about his cigar.  Last night he was there with a really pretty date he has shown up with a few times off and on.  He waved bye to me when he was leaving last nite.   hmmm.....okey.  hahaha.

The few men that have shown up online that I have considered being interested in seem to end up calling me once then flagging....poof.  It is either my voice, which I have been working with.....or it is that they just arent up for any real emotional connection of life sharing. 

Got the voice therapist program online for $80.  Lot cheaper than voice therapist sessions in columbus.  Anyway.  Male voice is usually at A below middle C, give or take and female voice is at A above middle C more or less....just like the vowel sound I used to chant.  So...sing it....then say it.  What has developed so far is this.  I have three voices.  Lowest is normal male.  Middle is up to fem sounding (as I hear it) but still below A above middle C...but definitely an improvement vastly (but which mens reaction to tells me it is not enough).  Third voice is at A above middle C.  I can do it.  But it feels soooooo fake and I dont like the way it sounds.  Sounds to me like a guy trying to sound like a girl.  tsk.  Mebbe I need the voice therapist afterall.  WIll talk to gender therapist about it again. 

Weight is down to 151 1/2....stable.  So.  total weight loss is 27 lbs but still up 7 pounds from the 34 I had lost.  Am sticking tightly to food plan.  Experience is that I lose weight wayyyy slower and much harder during winter...probably because I am not up and out like I am in summer.  Was doing a lil aerobics and made a run at rollerblading then...but no great shakes.  Really talking about activity in general.  Finally found something worthwhile that I want to use all those free American Express points for that I have been accumulating since 2000.  A bicycle.  heh.  This year...I am gonna double downsize again.  Definitely.  32 waist going down to 28.  Absolutely. 

Found out from transgendered girl that what I am trying to do with my tummy happens naturally on hormones as the hourglass develops by weight shifting automatically away from tummy and down to hips and bottom.  Mebbe it would be a good thing afterall. 

Maintaining tan by four to half dozen times a month tanning bed visit.  Using the new european sun blocker that prevents skin aging.

Masami showed me how to daub foundation under my eyes instead of rubbing.  That place where the dark circles form (I dont usually have them...just describing the area) is to be daubed with fingertip.  Apparently rubbing it is what stretches and ages the skin there....why all the eye creams say daub.  etc.  hmm..

She and I seem to be in a rhythm of dating on Sat nite, her coming to my house, sex, talking thru the week on the phone more days than not.  This works for me.  Have decided that being seen with her isnt bad.  Women peg me in mid-late 30s.....okey.  She on the other hand....is pretty enough but looks her age more or less....and talks about being "grammie" and things like that.  Gives folks impression I am with my mom or something.  I have decided no committed relationship with her and dont be seen out in my town....only the out of town dancing place she takes me to.

This brings up to the meat of this entry.  Therapist called me two days ago to reschedule and while talking said she had been reflecting on me and had a suggestion.  Said that while she doesn't see me as a full blown manic-depressive that I seemed to have those tendencies....that simbalta drug I had asked her about that is helping masami and deb so much might not be best for me (i know why....has side effect sometimes of making folks suicidal....which I already have).  Said order a book..An Unquiet Mind....and self diagnose before finding psychiatrist.  Also suggested I read a bit of it before our next session.  This was on thursday.  Our next session is now next tuesday.  Overnighted it.  Read a quarter of it yesterday after it arrived.  I am a manic-depressive.  I am not so given to the highs and flights of imagination that manics are.....but I know about the dark sad depressive suicidal hopeless part well.....the fear.....the paralysis and being uable to act, take care of business or go out of the house.  I have renewed my medical insurance.  As soon as card arrives I will see about going to Masami's psychiatrist.

These past two week or three has seen me finally taking care of business though.  Act as if.  I have sorted out and made my bills current.  Now redoing filing system and tidying up work area...throwing out old things.  Next I will clear sort and file and throw the clutter from my desk...so that I can generate and file the 2006 tax return that is paid but still due to be filed.  I had promised irs I would have it in by end Jan.  I will call them in a week, tell them where I am on it.  Probably by then will have reconciled the brokerage accounts and be filling out return schedules and have a realistic date for its filing.

I am debating about sending Robin a letter about the manic and the gender stuff.  manic because it explains the paralytic couch sitting and alchohol and missing codys graduation and not showering for days at a time and things back in 04 and 05....and the gender stuff so she will rightly interpret what she has probably heard by now about my new mode of dress and also it exlains the overcompensation of the bike club and things during that same period. 

Deb....has not read in weeks, having been engaged in her own filing and bankruptcy proceedings and starting over having done a move to a new apartment and now is not returning my calls.  Guess now that her simbalta is working for her, her depressions lifted, she no longer needs me.  I need to know what is going on with Rob and whether a letter like that would be well received or not, help or not. 

I think an entry vanished.  So this will be for that entry and what I normally would have written at this point. 

Female things...Since halloween I have gradually gone fem in the little town.  Prior to halloween around here I would wear unisex loafers and snug gal jeans and carry the plain black leather bag.  Other than showing off my legs with the denim booty shorts last summer, that was about it.  Then there was the fully dressed week prior to and thru halloween.  After that, as an offset, I went back to strictly guy pants n shoes n leaving the bag in the car. 

Since then I have, one thing at a time begun to live "full time" as a woman here.  It began again, of course, with the unisex loafers, no socks (so my ankles show), the snug lil low rise hip hugger flair (bellbottom) jeans, and the unisex Tshirts.  Colder weather saw me adding the gal denim jackets practically tailored to my body (perfect shoulder placement and sleeve length and trim waist cut and length to beltline only).  Next because due to the adding of the short cut unisex wig making it look like my eyebrows and eyelashes have vanished, I added light eyebrow pencil, mascara, and lbarely a touch of ower lid pencil eyeliner.  At Macys I was matched for the correct foundation and stick blusher.  I wore that for a while then gave it up but discoverd one night when I noticed my lips needed just....a little...something....that the stick blusher was a perfect lipstick substitute.  It gave my lips some color and depth without looking like I had lipstick on.  Perfect.  Next I bought an irresistible lil red prada knockoff bag with thin shoulder strap (totally girl purse) and started carrying it in lieu of the basic plain black bag. 

The onset of winter saw me adding a gal navy p-coat (doublebreasted) that although cut trim passes as a unisex coat...but very stylish.  Then I brought back the foundation use with my remaining blusher (I need to get back to Macy's) the powder blusher that I also bought at Macy's.  Definitely a fem face....unmistakeable.  Each one of these things by itself was minor, but, put them all together and I am a nicely made up girl lacking only eyeshadow and lipstick. 

The final addition came when I ran out of the stick blusher that I had been using on my lips....Bert's Bees brand (stop laughing) lip balm in colors....that looks like lipstick.  Nice darkish but not maroon red like an at or slightly darker than pomegranite color.  It is fun to use because it heats your lips for five minutes..makes them tingle.  heh.  Next I got tired of the fact that other than getting them waxed (leaving them in a shape I dont like) my eyebrow growth is unruly.  I bought a lighted magnified makeup mirror so I could (and did) tweeze them myself along with offensive protruding and threatening to protrude nose hairs.  Finally one day I was in my tailors in charleston and, being Italian, they had a special rack of for sale Italian designer winter coats.  I tried on a black n white tweedish one just for fun and omg, it was soooo soft but at the same time toasty....very....and fit perfectly.  $180.  Had to have it.  High collar....very fashionable.  Wearing it however is a quarter step removed from wearing a dress in terms of screaming I am a girl, I am a girl.  But, putting this whole combination together (you ought to see the combo of the trim legs of the snug gal jeans protruding from under the fashion Italian coat...such a nice figure...with the lil red prada bag strapped over my left shoulder and hanging next to my hip) and you have...your basic....pretty girl.  It is sooo amazing.  And feels so amazingly good.  But, this way, even without the heels and dresses and eyeshadow (the only ingredients missing) I am basically "out" as a girl in the lil town. 

I went to columbus this way to show my gender therapist Meril so she could see how living as a woman I had become.  We talked about hormones...she talked about the two year thing and said.....time.  I stopped by the restaurant that was going to hire me.  Jen, the server manager was not there but co-incidentally my waitress was the other girl that was in on the original convo between Jen and I.  She was soooooo like omg where have you been how are you I will tell Jen she missed you did you move here yet here I will be right back......comes back n says Jen will be here tomorrow day and please call her.  I did and Jen wasnt in then either so I let it go...for now.

I put my stock certificates in the day trading account with the stock I had bought with the tbill money that came as cash from H's estate.  Finally consolidating.  I made a plan at new years, 2009 seeming like a truly new beginning in many ways (still no sign of Robin...of course) that by the end of January have the 06 taxes filed and a tenant in half of the commercial property (I called the irs and committed to it), that by the end of Feb have the 07 taxes filed and the other half of the commercial property rented, that by mid April, on time, have the 08 taxes filed and any coupon payment made (tax work caught up and current.....I had returned the refund check they sent me uncashed, the second time they pulled this stunt on me...leaving the taxes overpaid probably thru 2010).  The remainder of the things I need to do to wrap up here....dispense with furniture, vehicles and clutter and rent one of the houses I plan to schedule after that time. 

Meanwhile....since I bought a ton of stock and price-averaged a lot of things when the dow was at 8700...the market contnues to crater and vacillate between 8000 and 9000...as I thought it would.  The news, however, seems to show that I should expect the market to go lower and for longer than I anticipated.  Is a waiting game coupled with the hope of lack of war and terrorist activity.  We shall see.

Robin continues to be absent here and present somewhere she doesnt belong.  Ben is fine and in college in calif again and impatient about me finding him some tax papers he needs.  Soraya is renting to Juan so her bills are met.  She is sad and whiney and needy as usual....bless her heart.  JL is at Marshall and did a 3.4 average while doing double time being on drum-line at Marshall toward his pre-med.  Cody, who I was going to send with his nice gf Sabrina to North Carolina to enroll in cordon-bleu chef school decided to vacillate because Sabrina wants to "go check it out a few times" first.  Reasonable, but I don't think they will ever go.  I bought Kelsie a suv vehicle so she can get a job or volunteer at a vet clinic in pursuance of her career.  She thinks she will need this to get to work (she has volunteered before in the lil town here before while in high school too) to get into vet assistants prog as her hope of Dr. of Vet is now unattainable in that her gpa after three semesters is 2.9.  Heidi bombed out and withdrew from her first semester and is now working as a bar tender at a bar.  Tyler, in 11th grade and band and thinking of becoming a band director is doing just fine. 

I stopped going to the casino totally about early december as I recall....so I can focus on what needs doing here.

As to the food plan, I got it wrong last writing.  I started out in 36-38 pants at 178 pounds, had gotten down to a comfy 32 and 144 pounds in mid summer then, mainly due to eating all the breaddy things at the casino for six weeks or so (that was about all that was available other than way overpriced meals at the fine dining restaurant there) went back up to 162 pounds and a snug 32.  So I lost 35 pounds then gained back 20 for a loss of 15 then got back on the foodplan, and got down to 154 where it has been stubbornly hoverin ever since for a total loss of 25 pounds.  So....now, after having re-lost 5 to 10, I still have 10 more to go to get back to the trim figure I presented in late summer which still showed me with a lil round pooch in a bolero shirt and booty shorts at saugatuck in oct.  geez.  Frustrating.  But I wont give up.  I will get into a comfortable 28 and have a concave tummy no matter what the scale says when I fianlly choose to stabilize. 

I continue to maintain my tan and have found a european sunblocker now finally available in the u.s. that blocks the short u.v. rays that cause skin aging.....what a find. 

I chose not to see Masami after our few visits and one encounter together lest I wind up hurting her in the end which, as I then saw it, would have shattered any future possibilities she might have had in coutrship (having been courtship free for 13 years before she met me).  This week, however, she started calling me and being aggressive about getting together this weekend for a party in Williamson and about spending  day or eve together in the meantime.  She calls tonight and is basically "I am coming over to your house, when will you be there?"  Comes here and was, well, aggressive in a really nice way.  Before that happend, I told her what I have wanted to but didn't about what I thought the impact might be of a failed encounter between us.  Basically she waved it off and said she is a big girl.  Truth is, she has changed.  From her tip toe in the water allowing me to get close to her a couple months back she, after a 13 year hiatus, has apparently decided to walk firmly into the arena of courtship again....also apparently having had a disapointing experience with folks she would consider "lesser" than me.  Nice feeling.  I told her plainly that I am just not ready for that kind of commitment.  She was like.....fine....and got closer.  okey. 

Has it really only been like five weeks since the last posting?  Feels like a LOT longer.  Feels like much has happened.

Finally, after six weeks or so of more or less living at the casino....gradually going from light fem to full fem and culminating at Saugatuck....I finally got the bug worked out of my system....cardplaying satisfied.  Time to be home and take care of business.  But....

The week before halloween the dinner restaurant I go to all the time held its halloween party on Sat. nite.  The reason for this is because it is always dead there on halloween, so they hold theirs a week early.  It was fantastic.  I went dressed fully as the girl I am.  I was gorgeous.  Wore my prettiest light pink dress from Macy's with the black belt.  Elegant to casual is how that dress is.  Any environment.  Very nice.  And I was the most photographed in the place.  Everyone had fun with it....especially me.  So.....the tempation was too great.....the long red acrylic nails....were an excuse.....to keep them on all week....which meant that I would also have to stay female all week.  So.  I did.  Makeup, nails, breats....the works....here.....at home....all week....and did all the normal stuff I do all the time but.....as a girl.  It was soooo freeing.  Included taking younger son to country club for lunch.  He didn't bat an eye and we talked about all the normal stuff he talks about....school, grades, his friends, study habits,  I wrote it off as halloween.  He laughed.  This culminated the weekend of halloween with two halloween parties Sat. nite....well...had planned on two....ended up just staying at the lounge owned by a friend of mine who I also played cards with a time or two.  And again....great fun.....everybody loved it.  So did I.  And...as usual....got numbers from girls.....hahaha.

Following, of course, I went ALL GUY in the lil town here....to balance it out....as opposed to the gal jeans and denim jacket and purse i have been wearing and carrying.  No luck....the rumors flew.  lol.  grins.  Let em fly.

As to Robin......the whole six weeks at the casino period seems to have been the bridge that helped me finally climb significantly out of the depressed chapter that the past two years has represented.  I still have days when I am depressed over it....but it isnt a way of hour by hour, day by day living anymore...finally.

Still....confronted by choices....a nice girl named Masami, for example....I am shown by God that Robin is still an option....and given the opportunity to choose for Robin.  This seems like far too little and wayyy too far confirmation on the thing.....and it is beyond WORDS late in not coming yet.....but still.....confirmations are there.....but only at the most critical crossroads.  

The thing that brings the pain is when one of the kids inadvertantly points out that Robin is somewhere I dont want her to be.  They dont mean to....but it craters me....for days...every time.

During those times....I still feel a deep connection with her. 

We have had two phone calls during the past couple weeks.....the first one was the best convo and only truly good and fun one we had since the bad times......the second one...last night.....better still.  Again....a confirmation.  Today is Robins birthday.  I had planned to call her this morning.  What I didnt know was that she would leave this morning prior to phone time to go out of town on a meeting.  I would have had to leave a voicemail on her cell...probably.  So....last night at the restaurant, youngest ex step son stops by.  While he is there his Mom calls him....I tell him give me the phone....great....great.....call....talked once.....got the phone back sang happy bday to her...she laughed....both times ended in laughing....leaving her wanting more perhaps...hope.  So....two strong confirmations in a month.  She was sooooo delighted to tell me about a meeting she gave the lead at at a place out of town we used to go to meetings.  THAT, I am sure, is something she can't even come close to being able to share with mr. wrong.  hahaha.....gotcha....that was even better than sending flowers I know he wont send (which i decided not to send).

I have been chatting with some of the transgenders in chatrooms lately as opposed to just dressers.  Got to tell you....the urge to go for it....have the ten times more sensative skin, have large soft tender erotic feeling engendering nipples atop soft warm breasts....MY breasts is soooooo alluring.  Much so.....

I am firmly back on the food plan again and paying attention to my nails and hairfreeing my arms and legs and chest.....of course I always have done those things....short of letting the food plan slip and gaining back 10 pounds of the 35 I had lost.....but.....not as diligently.  So....back on track...vision of me....135 pounds or, better still 125, booty shorts, bikinis....concave tummy.....breasts....real breasts and large sensative nipples...hair....my hair....real hair...my own nicely done and close cropped but foofed up princess diana style and blondish....lives in me.  So.  I dunno. 

While I was dressed in the lil town here, they named me Marquita.  I like it.  Shall Marquita truly come from a two dimensional being into existance as a three dimensional being?   Probably not.  Probably Robin will come back and....that will be well....I hope and think.   Just as well.  Better.  I hope.
 

Well......emotional stuff first....then the fun stuff.

I knew that Walter coming....and the job....and living in Robins house so she can move in with the guy...was gonna be a mess....and end up with conflict on all fronts.....tyler and walter....robin and walter.....and predicted that walters stay in her house wouldnt last two months.....that the job wouldnt last four months.....

What happened is inside of two weeks he and Tyler were into it and Robin was living back at her house again....which surely gives conflict between her and the guy...snick snick.....and......this is the bad part.....Walter lost the job two weeks after getting it.  So he is in town with an apartment and no way to pay for it and no help to Rob or the kids.  I dunno what is gonna happen next. 

I still get no sense of Robin at all in my space.  I dont even know how to describe what I feel about her now.  When she comes to mind I put her out of my mind now.  I think of her and get angry.  I think of her and still want to punish the guy.  I think of her and still want her to start calling me again though.  I feel a connection with her...but it is more.....solid....in a way of existing and being real.....but it doesnt feel like love....and the depression and sadness has mostly lifted. 

For a while the read was that she isnt coming back.  Then it shifted again....she will come in about a year but by then I wont care.  A later read was that I am going to meet someone that I will help do something simle and we will be enamoured of each other and something about her will remind me of my Mom.  She is a widow for a few years, has grown kids and is in some kind of professional...banker maybe....doesnt have money but has income of her own.....reliable....and that she is centered and doesnt need anyone in her life and hasnt really dated....but that once we get started with each other we will fall hear over for each other....that when Robin comes back it will be like Robin who.  lol.   And there will be no anger toward her or the guy....it will all be neutral by then.  Finally. 

Not the ending I wanted for me and Robin.  Sort of thoujght I might get a lil busy with one or two and then Rob would come back and we would couple again.

I havent put a lot of attention on the recent reading.  Am tired of hearing about readings, putting stock in them....then.....waiting.....and waiting......

So.  Bitterness.  That is the word.  She comes to mind and.....bitterness.  She was kind of mean to me from the start.....lots of good stuff.....always tainted in some way or another.....mean.  So mean.

And her plan with walter failed utterly.....and her he is....unemployed.  tsk.  amazing.  and she is home with tyler again.....now n then....and the guy......still lives and breathes and is healthy and normal and humming along as though all is right in the world. 

dressing....the casino.  was wearing gal jeans or the booty shorts n denim and purse and new hair.  it has escalated.  added makeup....then one day....breasts....and finally.....dresses there twice.  and folks from here have seen me there.....so the cat is out of the bag for sure.  hope i dont come to regret it.

my read is that Robin will not be bothered by it once the mood to return comes to her.  but i havent talked any of it over with deb yet.  i dont talk to her much lately.  i have been mostly at the casino.  then went to the Saugatuck Michigan girls weekend then back to the casino.  Just got home late last night.  I realize that I must make a point of being specifically a guy around the lil town here. 

At the restaurant i go to here folks are warm though....the spirit is the same as being around girls....the mood is light and friendly and more open to me than before.  it is interesting.  There are going to be a couple halloween parties here soon.  I think Wade has paved the way for me.....encouraging me to dress for them.  I think folks are expecting it.  The waitresses were on me this eve in a good way to come to the party.....and I was asking about the ones at Mt. Gay and Tops...and the girls were like...do what we do....Mt Gay then tops after.  Almost an invite to go with them.....a near miss.  I think folks here are liking the girl thing i do.  THAT....is a great relief. 

Girls weekend at Saug was interesting.....spent some time with a dresser....Amy....but the big thing was a guy named Dan.....who wanted me as a girl.....and we danced....a LOT....me in my booty shorts and all...it was soooo fun....omg.   And he kissed me....nicely.  The best of all....was me on the stool and him standing next to me....his arm around me and my head nestled on his neck n shoulder.....I really felt fem.....and cared for.....and all those good warm open hearted things I havent felt in so long.  It was an amazing healing.  Truly.  Five or ten minutes.....but it was wonderful and is still with me.  He was supposed to call me the next day, the extra day I spent and take me to lunch.....but.....no Dan.  Sarah visited me....the girl that warmed to me the last time I was at Saug on the extra day.....she gave me some more cd's and I gaver her the bottle of aberlour 15 sherry cask scotch I brought for her.  Nice visit...but short....at a lil bistro that was doing live music that I fell into by accident.  This whole girl thing.....still.....things just fall into my lap.  It is amazing.  Sarah knew folks from there.  Kewl. 

So.....feeling bitter and aloof from hope on Robin....and.......one step away from out in the lil town here.....amazing.

Like my "guy" pic?   hahaha.......I don't have one of me yet with this hair and dressed more....ah.....softly (grins).

Well......what I wrote last entry about progress and planned progress has come to pass in an AMAZING way.  The day after my elder son went back home I found and called and shopped at a wig store.  I told her on the phone I am a guy that is fed up with toupe's and (she interrupts me and says "come right over, I know exactly what you are looking for").  And.....she did.....it was amazing.  Literally, the first wig she put on me is the one I wear daily now.  It is....this is sooo amazing....my original hair color when I was a youth and early teenager....beautiful light brown with blondish highlights.  No "cut-in" was necessary.  I just put it on and it covers the back of my neck and sideburns in NICE fashion.

So....where did we leave off....son was here and put me in designer t-shirts.....got the hair and...most recently have been wearing the foundation and cream blush and powder blush and mascara and light lower eyelash pencil liner you can hardly see...and using the cream blush and lip gloss on my lips and finally got my brows waxed.....they are GORGEOUS....and i do them with a lil brown eyebrow pencil.  It is sooo fun....and I am soooo pretty.....even as a guy now......around the small town.  

I have also been wearing the snug gal denim jacket along with the low rise hip hugger bells with all this.....I GOT to get a pic of it and post.  I LIKE myself this way....soooooo much.  Other people do too. 

The other thing that is fun is.....the dog track....an hour up the road.....now has TEXAS HOLD-EM POKER LIVE.....with real live breathing people and chips you can hold in your hands......I am having sooooo much fun being there and playing.....and being lightly made up and dressed with the denim jacket n bell bottoms and shoulder purse.  When I first signed up for their benefits card, they gave me three strands of beads to wear....."luck beads".  I was so delighted.

I have played three times.  The first time I posted $100, cashed out my $100 and brought home $45 in chips from the $2/4 limit table.  The second time I wore my booty shorts and gal sunglasses along with the denim jacket (grins) and brought home $65 (addition of 20).  The third time....last night.....I brought home $141.  So.  My lil poker stack is growing.  I find I can read the other players pretty well.  Problem is it costs me about 20 plus in gas for the roundtrip.  But...heres the math....three trips....about 70 in gas.....less 20 of food eaten while there that I would have eaten anyway....so I am out 50 for road trip cost.  I am thinking next time I go I will cash out 70 (hopefully I will have it) and stick in the glove box to use for gas.  If I can get gas and food out of it and STILL grow my stack....and dress sort of really close to the way I want....and have THAT much fun.....It is win win win.....even if the daily profit chip addition is....minor....like I am averaging 20 per day....which....is actually slightly above the professional earning rate for the size table I am at ($4 big bet....pro rate is one big bet an hour....so.....I am at or slightly ahead of the pro rate AFTER setting aside for gas).  I been playing about five or six hours at a sitting.  I think I sat 6 then 9 then 5.  So that is 20 hours at $4 is 80 for the pro rate.  I have 140....which leaves 60 for gas....add back the 20 in food from winnings and there is an 80 surplus over the pro rate....minus 70 in gas....and.....I am ahead of the pro rate.  The idea now is to grow the stack till I can sit at the 1/2 no limit table....which requires 50 to sit at.....or....better still.....maybe they will add a 5/10 limit table. 

I am told the end of this month they are adding a lot of regular....do em any time....tournaments.  KEWL....too kewl for words.

Well.....emotional stuff.   Mixed messages.  Like a couple days after I got my hair, Robin shows up at the NA campout...which I was not at.  I think she was there to see me....I really do.  And last weekend....she shows up at my door with a paper that to be timely should have been delivered like last month.....a paper that I dont need.....a paper she COULD have just mailed.  hahaha....geez.   weird.  Anyway....fortunately my younger son was here and answered the door.....so she didnt get to see me.....which plays right into my present stance....which is.....be less available.....on the phone....I am the one that NOW needs to be the one to say "well...got things to do....gotta go BYE" instead of her....stuff like that....so.....son answering the door instead played right into that.....a God thing?......who knows....I really expect her to come trotting back.....MEANWHILE.

Walter....the father of my ex-step kids that I have been the one mostly caring for this past year and a half....seems about 99% certain of getting the athletic director job at the local convention center.  Kewl.  Am sure that bodes well for me n Rob eventually.  Read was that she is now being surrounded by her past.....me n walter...which she must face....and has nowhere to run n hide to.....that she n walter will have conflict.....that tyler will be involved and that is mebbe...finally.....the tyler being the lynchpin thing that is finally the button that gets pushed that finally brings her back.

Anyway...it is gonna be interesting.

The prob is that today.....walter n i had lunch and he told me what I already knew.....that he is gonna rent a room in the west logan house.....take care of tyler.....which means.....Rob is moving in with Mr. Wrong.  So.  There it is. 

My sense of it is that that will finally bring that relationship push come to shove as R acts out on her guilt and general chaotic lack of ability to be intimate nature....which will end it.....finally.  Which will put R back in the west logan house and.....hassling with Walter.  I can see hassles with walter and tyler coming too.....as W's autoritative nature is resisted absolutely by Tyler.....saw it firsthand.....and advised W about it today....for tylers good.  Hope he heard me.  Go easy....make suggestions....give em room.....two years without authority and new authority is all the more resisted. 

Anyway....the mood this put me in was weird.  It was like.....the last of the closure with me n Robin if it really is God's will for us.  I mean....here I have been taking care of children that are not my own....supporting them n being the parent but now......a parent is ON the scene....who will have a good job with good pay and living more or less rent free so will be able to......replace me......here comes the weird part....appropriately.

yeap.  my job may be done.  The mood that hit me is.....I am now....an extra person.  A fifth wheel.....services no longer required.  I feel like a person that went to see a play.....act III finished an hour and a half ago....concession area is spotless.....sweeping is finished.....last janitor just put up the last broom.....lights are out....i hear his key in the door getting ready to lock it.....and there am I, still in my seat waiting for Act IV.  An act that doesn't exist and will never happen.  It made me sad.  It may really be God's way of setting things right....setting me free.....seeing the kids cared for...without me....and.....letting R be where she seems to want to be.  Me waiting for the chit-throw n drama on several fronts that is gonna bring her back.....pittiful.....easy to see it as yet more months of vain hopeful illusion of something that really month by month just keeps...on.....sliding......further....away.  No turn in sight.....no slow but increasing return to me.  And it made me sad.  But I am ok today. 

And I am fem.  And I am Marla.  And I like me in my lil hip huggers n hair n light makeup n denim jacket.  I like me just fine.....as a gal.   And so do others. 

For the first time though....my body is really getting the raging cravings to have a regular partner again that all I got to do is wait till 6 and reach out for them.  I am actually considering just....finding a new girlfriend.  Course the read on that is that if I took up with someone regular....R would get concerned and want to come in closer again.  Tsk.  I feel like even thinking about her anymore is so pointless.  And she was so mean to me.  And she wants another guy.  And even if that went belly up and she ran back....I would still never be more than good old reliable dependable always available Mark....number two......cause she couldnt have number one.....again.....just like it happened the first winter we were here.....again.   And I doubt she has the spiritual vision to see what I really am......what I would be to her.....and then the quantum leap to valuing me for it because her values and sight are spiritually right.....and then letting go any trace of other men in her heart...past or hoped for visions in such wise that she will actually let go of her strong stubborn pride and actually do the making up to me thoughoughly and deeply and in a way that I really deserve and am worthy of.  wow....how bout that.....I actually have value and value myself today...thats a good thing.....and also LONG overdue beyond words.  Such a longshot.  We will see what happens though.

I hope walter gets the job.  Go figure THAT one out.  geez.  I am such a......give to others at my own expense person.....and that.....has GOT to change.  Soon.


 

Elder son came for a visit for the first time in 3 years from Calif.  This is the beginning of the end of this chapter in my life......active parenting....which I have been engaged with for a while now...and which signals the substantial change which will be the next major chapter in my life....whatever form that takes.   Just after he is scheduled to leave, my younger one leaves also for the next chapter in HIS life...which...replete with the recent divorce...leaves me alone and free for the first time in....omg....YEARS.  

The significant things that happened with and between us and to me during his two and a half week visit were:

* Profound impression of success in parenting as I observed the two kids interacted with each other.  The entire time since they were born I have been saying in my heart "I hope it turns out well."  Well.  Their journey is not yet "fixed" or "set" but, watching them interact I had the definite and clear and final sense that "It HAS turned out well."  (It is finished !)

* The first number of days found the three of us visiting some and enjoying it a lot till the younger one pointed out to me something about band camp followed immediately by another band camp followed immediately by his impending move.  All of a sudden it was like he turned into a ghost right in front of my eyes....with that calandar announcement was heralded the conclusion of this chapter of my life....two more days with him and....basically....he is gone.  The next two days I made the most of with both of them.

* While the younger one was gone to his first band camp...instructing drum line to pass it down so there will BE one next year...the elder and I talked a LOT.  In addition to liking him at his age and recognizing that he has a centeredness and ease and natural effortless comfort with himself and also has related social skills, I realized that he is mature and we are able to speak as one-on-one friends now....an amazing and comforting boon...more than words can describe.  I had the sense that now....if I ever need THEM.....THEY will be there for ME.  That is an amazing feeling.

* During that first week the younger was gone the elder and I spoke and when he mentioned something about pschology I mentioned...seemingly in passing...the gender assessment test I took with result Androgyne.  He laughed and said he took the same test with the same result.  This set us to talking a LOT about fem emotions and how I gave them free play and he spoke of intuition and emotions and sensativity, etc.  I didn't tell him about the dressing.....but we shared freely about my gal jeans and things like that....clothing and fashion....which he is definitely into.  More on that later....

* The younger showed back up for a day to transition between the band-camps.  The three of us had part of a day together.  It was nice....then off to the city where I introduced them to and turned them over to the Trustee Bankers.  I had kept them entirely in the dark as to terms, conditions, how the wills had been written, the ages of corpus payout, the account amounts....all of it....until that day.  

Younger son was funny....he looked at the statement and was like "whats this amount?"  in a firm voice.  It was a seven figure amount.  hahahaha....that....is YOURS.  lol.  (grins).  They were both very delighted and happy.  It was their "coming-of-age" day and...guess what....I really am and was a good parent afterall.  It worked out well and this day.....suited.  Thank God !

* Since I first had the makeover last Feb. I have gone through stages inside and also outside regardless of the impression I give in the small town.  In addition to going out of town to dress fully, I have begun to let my inner self show here in the following stages:

Had the makeover
Began food plan for trimming
Shaved chest
Shaved legs (realized need for tanning)
Began tanning lotion later moving up to tanning bed (showed up to me naturally...opportunity)
Went to Michigan event and shaved arms
Wear gal jeans very occasionally (tucked always) in dark club on weekend nights
Bought Braun epilator and using regularly to keep chest, arms and legs free of hair
Let go of slouch hat and moved to ballcaps for younger look
Maintained tanning bed tune-ups to keep tan...weight loss plateaued at 30 pounds lost
     (this is a double downsize from 35, 36 and 38 waist to 32...from size 14 to 9 and 11 petite and 10/12)
Let go of ball caps in favor of girls ball cap with no logo for soft fem look
Wearing gal jeans, carrying purse and putting on Channel Chance perfume always, no socks, loafers.
Finally feeling Marla at this point
Advanced to designer t shirts and color coordinated shoes and belts with son's help.

That brings us to present time.  I already have another stage planned....to find a wig that can be "cut in"really short so it is longer than a toupe and therefore wont look like a toupe but shorter than gal style so it will suit......

If there is a stage after that it would be light eye makeup, then regular eye makeup and lipstick followed later by lavender gal sandals with polished toenails showing then finally onto long nails n breasts and finally dresses.  I dont see any of that happening here in the small town.  But the wig...if I can get it right...will be seen as "the guy finally did something kewl about his baldness and always wearing hats."

* After the younger went on to next band-camp, elder and I continued talking and dialoguing.  There were two high points after this.

First, I was taken shopping by him to "the cool stores".  lol.  We both got shirts and shoes and belts.  He showed me how to color-coordinate.  The style is what the 20 year olds are wearing and dovetailed with my fem look...absolutely....the shirts being designer t shirts and all.  The belts are GREAT.  omg.  This was sooooo fun.  lol.  Me and son.  hahaha.  (who would have thunk it)  Bet Dad and Mom are happy with us.  Yeap.

Second thing was even more than that.  Elder comes up with idea of business for me to open in the mall.  I am going to do it.  Both sons agreed and I expressly told them my intent to pass down all the money to them intact and that kept me from taking risk...but this risk....approved by them...encouraged by them....they will be annoyed if I DON'T do it....if it goes sideways....I have no harm, no foul.  So.  I will do it.  For them, for our family, for me, because it seems to be God's will and....if it works out like I hope it will, my income will advance substantially hopefully allowing me to do things I have wanted and needed to do for all...including the step kids.....like buy cars for everybody....things like that.

Very profound changes....this week......financial future and.....fasion relating to inner feeling and capstone to local dressing.  IN CONNECTION with Son.  Huge......

Tomorrow, elder and I go to airport.  He goes home.  A terriffic visit.  A few days will pass.  Younger will return for a day.  I will do laundry and help him move and.....my next chapter begins.....unlike I visioned it...but...very good.....a very fem me....opening a nice business and wrapping up loose ends....and moving onto next phase.

Have also been working with my body some during past month.  Body is ready for the next phase.

Reading was that someone, a client or co-worker, told Rob something (from a later read...something that was true) that caused her to bite her lip and her stomach to wrench and for her to say in her heart "I knew I couldn't trust him."  And the door closed forever.  Later read was.......time and Tyler is still the linchpin.  

Kelsie and Tyler visited and I gave Kelsie money for NY trip with her Zack, who it was established we both like each other very much. 

Got things moving.....took two days to clear desk....sorted...etc...then....FINALLY...finished that pesky 2005 Tax Return n got it mailed off.....HUGE relief.  Huge.  Its like...whenever I sit and think of all the things I need to do to wrap up here so I can travel or move, or at least be caught up, the FIRST thing that comes to mind is the late Tax work.  (why do I capitalize the word tax?  tsk...geez).  Anyway....I dont owe em any money...the amount I paid in is huge and roll over to next return....prolly got enough paid in to last thru 2010.  Will see.....the 06 return I lose all my dependents except for JL and am filing married filing separately....so....larger bill for sure....but still.....estimate that will have some rollover thru 09 at least.  Will see.....but FINALLY...on the move and then....after got it mailed....bolted from town....I mean BOLTED.   (so I can dress).

Instead of the usual deal.....wake at 9, drink cola and smoke cigs....talk on phone...then have to eat n finally start packin in early afternoon....finally leave town after my last two or three must-do errands before I can go...then get where I am going just in time to hurry to dress (maybe) and catch the all-night eatery.....THIS time I did it different.  I didnt wait till the next day.  Got the return filed....made sure everyone had what they needed then.....started packing....finished at midnight  or mebbe later....i dont remember exactly....n thought....lemme get it in the car.....then I can just go in the morning.....well....got it in the car.....and left RIGHT THEN.  lol.  omg.....how fun is THAT?  Headed out on Sat.

Sunday....accidentally took 77N instead of 64W.....doesnt matter....route to Columbus is I-64 to rte 35 then 23 right up into Columbus.  But, I 77 leads to rte 33....which hits 270 in Columbus actually closer to the Worthington area than 23 does....so...no harm no foul.  The interesting thing is that KyMan....my Al-Anon online buddy that wants to date me and take me fishing etc was gonna be at Al Anon conference at Cedar Lakes and had wanted me to spend the weekend there with him.....well.....that is off of 77.   So....I take the exit....hit the lil BP store....and dress right there.  Then...just after 9 am, I called him on his cell (star 67 or whatever so he doesnt have my number).  I thought....lets open a door n see what happens.  Sure enough, he was at the conf just up the road havin breakfast...said something like....glad to hear from ya, if I had number I would call ya, but gotta keep doin what I am doin.  okey.  Too bad.  God thing.  Opened a door and he blew it.  So up the road to Columbus I go.

Always get more n more excited the closer to dressing I get to get.  Like packing....get anxious and hurried....then driving....cant WAIT to get gal clothes on.....then they are ON....WHEN am I gonna BE in the city so I can eat and shop and be ME??  hahahaha.   

Well....many things happened.....will highlight most of it.......

* finally bought booty pants, a few pair and found short shirts that show my belly...so....belly and legs show and are highlighted.

* finally got heels taller than 3's....sandals, 4 in heels....tough....and not the best pair of sandals....thought I would like the 3's better.....not merely a matter of learning to walk in 4's....I really dont like em.

* tried on the smaller breasts that I ordered.....what I thought...they felt great....felt "right" but surprised....i dont like the smaller look....so....prolly gonna send em back n just keep wearin the B's.

* had long girl talk with manager of fashion bug....poor thing....in a relationship like the one I had with Robin...her guy doesnt talk to her....clams up.....leaves her alone even in the house but...unlike Robin....they dont have sex.  (later I wondered if I could start an affair with her....mebbe call her....or look in on her next time).  She is a lil overweight...just a tad...but really nice nice girl....

* discovered my love of purple themed eyeshadows

* didnt find it necessary to use hose...not once...nice tan bare legs no matter how dressed...oh yeah.

* started out in bell bottom hip huggers and spaghetti strap biker shirt I won at biker event in calif years ago....thought i might find a girl to put in the shirt....lil did I know it would be ME.  hahaha.  Ended up.....as usual....in elegant dress color coordinated with shoes and purse.

*  met a great and perfect bodied girl in a club that started foolin with my makeup...Renee Hewitt...and took her back to room....we were lovers a time or two....then again in morn...she let me wake her up....PERFECT...OMG.   and we seemed to talk of plans for the weekend but....as things turned out...she flaked.  so....i dunno.....I offered to bring her back with me to WV.  I like her.  A LOT.  Nice looking girl with all the right stuff in bed.....first time I liked it....REALLY liked it....since Robin....and my performance validated that.......(yeap....I still got "it").   Grins.

* guy felt up my leg (well....he was really persistent and a bit more aggressive than feelin up my leg) in the neat jazz club i like....which resulted in me not bein allowed in the next time i showed up.....that was kinda crushing.....me.....86'd....from anywhere.....and......why is it my fault that some guy tried to maul me at a bar from the next stool over ??   that was a first and....accordingly....I dont have man management skills.....so....next time something like that happens....I will just put him off and if he does it again....call the bartender.....hate doin stuff like that but not doin it cost me the neatest bar i ever been in.  I have the owners number.....I may communicate with her and try to resurrect.   But maybe not.  The upside is that it really put me in mind of unmanageability and my need to dive headlong into AA.   (which i wound up doing).

*  guy bought me a drink at a british pub.  kewl.

* the high point......I went to a bunch of AA meetings....three prior to leaving to pick up Ben at the airport...first time he has been back home since like...04? 05?  dunno.   picked him up at airport and took home then went back to columbus next day....had kept the room because i really didnt want to pack and unpack all that stuff twice....Renee and I had weekend plans....so that was  MUST do (been waitin on one like her forever...really) and what made it possible is before I even left Columbus to get Ben....he and Cody were already dialed in for the weekend to go white water rafting....so I was free.....so.....I kept the room....got Ben....slept at home...then came back to see Renee...who didnt show.  The upside was I went to a LOT more AA....hit three meetings in one day and....made friends....and got invited to pizza by one of the groups....and.....a senior woman said....."sweetie....would you like my number?"   Absolutely.   I bet before long they are draggin me to womens meetings with em.

As I was leaving....the thought hit me....the bill for the room.....could almost pay for a small apartment.....mebbe it IS time....to sort out....so....I dont really wanna move to Columbus....but....I think my goal for the month is catch up the tax work....see about finishing the 185 house and....get a tennant in 111.

When I got home....I had a sick feeling.  I was angry at Robin all the way home....there is a strong relationship between Marla and what happened with Robin.....or with home and Robin.....or both.  I dunno.....I do know that it poisons me....that to be spiritually fit....I really have to let her go....at least from my consciousness.  Felt nautious....that and the jazz club....and.....stuff like that.  Was only the last full day I was there I was doing strong AA and goal directed that way.  Earlier several days were....on a different channel.  Good stuff...but that part of it wasnt good at all...but glad I am grounding in AA again.

Mid week was the therapist....the real reason I was there.....her take on me was that I am one of the "worried well".  lol.  Well....I have stuff to talk over with her in more depth....

Period of clarity......

It seems that there are two things holding Rob back from being able to communicate and therefore to come back to me.  

* She thinks everything I have done with the kids is a ruse done for show that has come entirely from self-will.

* She thinks that I am merely in competition and am trying to "win".

When the divorce happened I figure she thought that what support I was giving the kids with money and rides and attention would suddenly fade....having been based on insincerity and...having "lost"...just stopping suddenly.  I figured that since my support of them would continue that she would finally see that those relationships are real and that the support and care for them was coming from a sincere place and....seeing that....she would finally have her OMG (oh my God) moment and finally begin to open to my goodness and genuineness and value which would facilitate a willingness and therefore communication and reconciliation.

I now see that although that is one hoop, there is yet another.  This was leaked by Heidi during the last ride I have her from Charleston.  I think Rob has the idea that, for me, this was all about winning...a competition. 

What has most recently come is two things....first....that it is impossible for her to open to communication to me until her resistance and guard comes down and that that resistance and guard will NEVER come down until she is able to feel...at the level of spirit...that I have truly just....let go....I mean....REALLY let go...that there is no energy of attraction or tugging or connection....any of it.   So.  The irony.  For her to come back....I have to get to a place of not caring if she comes back and...then she can come back....but....I wont care that she has.  Pittiful.  And ironically also...that was the read I talked about in last journal entry...that she would come back...but that I wouldnt want her.  

What came this morning was even more interesting.  What came was how I must have looked to her from her point of view during this past year and a half and...seeing it from her side....I can understand now why her come-from has been one of aloof clinical patronizing client management as her stance to communicate with me.  

I can see that maybe she really is happy with this guy she is with...that she has now and has had for a year and a half a pleasing connection with him and.....guess what....she has a life....and he is in it....and i am not....and...with all that...why would she ever want me?  I have been like this annoying nuicance to her...a bug flying around her head this entire time that she just wishes would just....go away.  I guess I am getting better now....because I can look at these things now for what they are....and not crater.  It makes me sad.  But it doesnt make me suicidal or depressed or want to rise up and show her MY value, etc. anymore.

I guess she really is gone...and although I have her in my heart now....bright and sweet and loved....and knowing that light life and love is never lost...and is eternal etc. that that alone...is what I am left with and....that is cherished and always will be....and it didnt have to be this way...and that it IS this way....I had a large part in it.  I wonder what life would be like now if I hadnt drank in 2001 ?  I wonder if, little by slow I would have been shown that her attention and energy to and for other men really didnt matter.....that I really DID have her even if it didnt seem that way at times?  I wonder if, little by slow I would have been shown to do the walmart with or, better, for her while she was at work....having food ready for her when she arrived from work...laundry....rides for kids....just being with them active in their lives when she was elsewhere and...being shown those things little by slow and acting on them...if our lives would now be the lovesong it could have been.  I wonder how things would be now if I could have just held her and thanked her for bringing the check from the teaching she was doing at Chapmanville.  I wonder how things would be now if I had, at least once a month sent flowers to her at her work there....or shown up in person to eat with her?

Tears.  Go figure.

How sad is it...that I am brought, by my own actions, to a place where the best way I can love her today is just to leave her alone and wish her well with a situation that....there are no words.

Make bricks without straw.  That has been how my entire life has seemed.   And this thing with being given to reconcile my marriage is no exception.  And how inept I must have appeared to her when we were together and, more recently, while trying to reconcile...and how annoying I must have been to her.  

Now what?  

Got a girl in phx that I have been typing with that has just gone thru the same thing R went thru with me.  She is one of those that doesnt get with anyone but....has opened to me to the degree that she has put her 15 year old daughter online with me and I have typed as much with the daughter as with her.  

Got a nurse that friends from the country club introduced me to a few years ago....since then she married and both of us have divorced.  She likes me and is comfortable with me and has already told me I am handsome.  When she said that I remembered Rob and how she sounded telling me the same thing...and made me miss her.  But also made me feel like...in this world...maybe there is one for me....afterall.  My concern with her is that her ex wanted sex in morn and eve and she isnt up for it.  Dealkiller?  Yeap.

Got a 23 year old stewardess based out of LA whose parents and 1 year old daugher are here that visits here as much as she is in LA that was my new years date that has shown up for me.  Her Mom talks to me on the phone and there is this comfort and familiarity.....like...gee we ought to take him with us on family vacation.  Her 1 year old decided that she likes me yesterday.  The only question is how and at what levels does SHE like me.  We had some frank discussion yesterday about things like that while she and her daughter were at the house with me.  

Got my friend Eddies ex wife calling me now...nice girl...very....but she has this nagging habit of zinging me with stuff and doubting my answers....I feel like I am being inquisitioned and it is tiring.  That and she sounds a little porkey and destined to remain so.  

The one I like the best is the 23 year old....she is soooooooo....lovely.  But I really wonder if I will feel like "do I have her?" "do I have her?" like I did with Rob....hahaha...which is probably the leading indicator showing me that she is probably next.  How ironic that I held her AZ drivers license from new years till yesterday......Arizona....where I have been thinking of moving......odd.

I would really like to have sex.  But there is nobody that I want to have sex with.  hahaha.  Life is weird.  Well...Robin....of course......but......

Oh....and there is Laverna....14 or 16 years sober from Huntington...the one I slept with the night I was divorced....and didnt care that I lost interest halfway thru....never did finish.....and slept with another time and we just talked all night....and it didnt matter.  

I just have....no attraction.....to getting with anyone....except Robin.  Maybe He really is going to send her back.  And maybe it will literally be a brand new...square one....fresh start...but now....both of us....a plane higher than we were the first time we made a run at it.  Sure hope so. 

Reread last entry....has been a month and....nothing has changed.  Well.  I am single again....divorce was final.  And I am numb.  And....ticked at God.  Baffled some.  Relieved some.  Am keeping up relations with the kids....as always....havent missed a beat.  Eldest step-son seems to have distanced some.  

Weight and size still the same....I still fluctuate between 144 and 148.  Tan is nice.  Do a tune up once a week in the bed or sun to keep.  

Academy that dressed me is supposed to finally mail the prada and promised outfit along with 5 pairs of shoes and 7 purses.....(shoes n purses 220 combined...some purses originals used) for me to look over.  Bot a prada knockoff and a couple denim walmart purses since last month....havent been anywhere dressed.

Since the divorce I have been wearin gal jeans around town n showin up with plain black purse with shoulder strap and gal baseball hat with no logo on it here n there....folks r noticing.....and it all seems ok.....wore channel perfume out one night.  

Have been driving new pontiac 6 cylinde rental car since El D has been in the shop.  Someone hit my door.  I like the new smaller car a lot...and it has put me in mind of....time to go....time to change life.....get HTN apartment n do wrap up from there...lol......

Reading is she will come back....but I prolly wont want her.  LaVerne from HTN took me to bed the night of the day the divorce was final....I lost interest halfway thru.  Know what the biggest deal to me was.....I didnt give a dam that I lost interest halfway thru....is gonna be interesting to sort out why that was....Marla....or ex still owns it....or laverne wasnt the ex.....or.....laverne isnt the right girl or....??????

Contacted gender therapist in Columbus.  Want appointment.  Lot to sort out....half dozen things....gender is only one thing.  Got depressed...and it wasnt about the ex....so....time to seek help.